It happened so long ago, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it sometimes. It starts in my throat, and if someone asked me a question on that precise moment I wouldn't be able to answer. It moves to my chest, where it makes it a bit harder to breathe, and finally it comes to my face, where it makes it impossible to smile, and my eyes feel like they're going to cry, but they never do.
I cried once for each of them. Just once, maybe at the wrong time, but who knows what the right time for these things is. Everyday it's there, I cannot say "everyday I remember", but it is there every day. I've grown since it happened and that makes it hurt more. Why didn't the world stop? Why didn't I stop? And why am I happy sometimes?
It's strange to be happy and have something remind me suddenly. I feel like I'm betraying them. When people say "they would have wanted you to be happy" they don't know what they're talking about. They wanted me to be happy, and now they don't want anything anymore, because they can't want anything anymore. And I'm happy, even though they can't want me to be happy, even though they can't be happy. They can't be sad either.
Not all the memories are there. Sometimes someone will tell me a story, and I won't remember. That is the most painful part.
No comments:
Post a Comment