It's personal

Yesterday, a good friend sent me a link to this post, saying that he mostly agreed with much of it.

I do too. Discussing feminism with other people (not to mention with people of a different gender) is difficult, and yes, certain comments and arguments seem like personal attacks, and people get offended or hurt. The same happens when discussing racism, sexuality, romantic orientation, etc. or any intersection of these matters. People get hurt. People feel attacked. People feel offended.

I know this first hand. I've always been a feminist, and I've always believed in equality, but for a long time I ignored intersectionality, especially as applying to race (mainly because I was ignorant). I've been one of the "not all white people" crew, and I've been one of the "no one's gonna listen to you if you don't keep calm" crew. So I understand where a lot of "not all men" come from.

But here's the thing. When I speak about feminism to men, they need to understand that I am part of the "oppressed" group, and they are a part of the "privileged" group. I almost feel stupid saying this, because for the most part, personally in my life, I have not felt oppressed or discriminated against for being female (I have, on the other hand, felt in danger or impotent for being female, mainly when men on the street have either said things to me that could easily be construed as threats or touched me), but it's true. When a man (gender) talks to a woman (gender) about feminism, he has to take into account that he's talking to someone who may have suffered a lot because of discrimination. It's not that his opinions don't matter, but his "hurt" at a woman's opinion is a lot less than the hurt of women who have been discriminated against just because they're women. Same thing goes for any other oppression.

For example, yesterday I was on Twitter, and I came across a conversation between two African American women who were discussing how living in Spain (even traveling) is a no-go for African American people (especially women). I was hurt by this. Spain is my country and I would like to think that it's welcoming, that as a population we are nice. I felt like asking these people whether they'd been to Spain (because I felt they were saying what they were saying out of a stereotype). And then I realised, it had nothing to do with me. They weren't saying I was a racist because I was Spanish. They weren't even saying that most Spaniards are racist, or even that we're bad people. They were saying that, because they are black, their experiences in Spain weren't or wouldn't be positive. And I can't argue with that. Mainly, because I'm not black, and so I don't have the experience of being black in Spain. Maybe the racism suffered by black people in Spain is minimal. Maybe it only comes from very few people. But I can't assess the damage. Furthermore, because there are relatively few black people in Spain, I can't assess how they're regularly treated, and actions that might be out of curiosity or even friendliness for Spanish people (such as looking/staring at someone different or calling someone "morena" [side note: I've been called morena and I'm white. It's very little to do with race]) can be very hurtful or offensive to the people subject to them. And I can't know because I'm not in their place. I can say "Spain is a beautiful country, and most people aren't racist", but that doesn't mean that the attitudes of a lot of Spanish people aren't slightly bizarre and possibly annoying, or that the attitudes of a few aren't incredibly damaging.

The other thing about this is "be calm and then people will take you seriously". Firstly, this is unfair. If my argument is good, it shouldn't matter if I'm angry when I'm making it (as long as I'm not being physically aggressive). I will admit, however, that for some people, anger is very distressful. I, for example, deal badly with people shouting at me. I shut down, and rather than remorseful or scared, it looks like I just don't care. So tone policing is more complicated, because although we are allowed to be angry (and we should express our anger), it has to be accepted that people will react differently to anger, and that sometimes it's not the best way to get a point across. This applies to personal situations, but when we're talking about a movement, sometimes the only way to be listened to is to be angry. Protest is important, being loud is important, being heard is necessary.

Secondly, I find the "be calm and then people will take you seriously" incredibly hypocritical. [TW, discussion of sexual assault or rape and reactions to it] Many women, upon reporting rape or sexual abuse are not taken seriously. Part of this is that many women don't "act the victim". For some reason, there's an expectation of women who've been raped or sexually assaulted to act a certain way, usually crying, breaking down, etc. Women who don't act like this, women who are calm and composed when reporting, are often disbelieved. And this is terrifying. Because let me tell you, the reaction most people have when they are attacked and can do nothing about it, is to shut down. They get quiet. They try to pretend it isn't happening. There is a huge emotional disconnect. Sometimes, the best way (or the way) that people handle trauma is to disconnect emotionally. The hurt is so bad, feeling it is so bad, that it's easier to just not feel. Treat what happened as a sterile event, or even as something that happened to someone else. Not be personal about it, because being personal would break them. So women, plenty of times, are expected to not be angry when protesting but to break down when they've been hurt. Again, this is hypocritical.

The conclusion to this post is the following: when speaking to someone who traditionally belongs to a group with less privilege than you, assess what you are saying and where your feelings come from. If you are hurt because you think you aren't like that, assess whether a) you're really not like that and b) whether it matters whether you're like that or not. The fact that you aren't a rapist does not change that most rapist are men or that many women have been raped by men. The fact that men can get raped also doesn't change that fact. The fact that you aren't racist (or that you think you aren't, examine your actions, many of us are unintentionally racist, or jokingly racist) doesn't mean that institutional racism doesn't exist, or that there aren't racist people, or that certain actions that may not seem like such a big deal to you are putting a group of people in an uncomfortable position.

Finally, and to end this post on an incidental note, the writer of the post mentioned above talks about a conversation about abortion and how a male friend of hers said that he and his partner wouldn't have had an abortion because "they weren't that shallow". She goes on to say that the guy is a nice guy and that she felt hurt because she felt like she was being called shallow but that she policed herself to stay calm not to have a fight. Now, I wasn't there. I don't know the situation. But I honestly don't see another fucking interpretation to "We didn't have an abortion because we aren't that shallow" than "People who have abortions are shallow". Which is bullshit. Another thing, what do you mean by "we" didn't have an abortion? What? No. Your partner didn't have an abortion. Unless the post is misleading (which is entirely possible) you are a cis straight man, so you can't get pregnant, so you can't have an abortion. You might think you had any say in the matter, but no. If your partner had decided to have an abortion, it was her body and she would have had all the right in the world to have an abortion, independently of what you thought. You didn't not have an abortion. Finally, I know a lot of nice guys. I know a lot of good men who make mistakes, or don't realise what they're saying is ignorant or wrong (I know a lot of good women with these characteristics as well). This doesn't make them right. Being nice, being a decent person, doesn't make you right. It doesn't automatically excuse you from doing the work that it takes to be a feminist, and it most certainly doesn't excuse you from my reaction when you say something hurtful about women or something that is simply wrong.

Hurt is hurt, but some things hurt more than others, and some things are institutionally hurting whole groups of people. So analyse your feelings. Maybe it's just you. Maybe you need to take a breath and accept that not everything is about you and making you feel better, and that not everything has to be a nice interaction. All going back to the idea that social justice and equality are not theoretical. They're not things we just spend evenings discussing with our friends. They have institutional consequences and affect a lot of people. So think before you react.

Apathy?

Every time I log in here I think it's been ages since I last wrote, and every time, I realise it hasn't been quite that long. In any case, it's getting to the point where it's been too long.

I have (dare I say it?) writer's block. Not real writer's block: I can write my day to day stuff, I can write about my PhD project, I can write a little bit of fiction); but I feel very lazy about writing on the blog. Not just because it takes time and effort (part of the reason) or because my home laptop has broken and I can't use the keyboard anymore (any suggestions for good keyboards? Or for a new laptop for that matter?), but simply because I have been missing originality. Not just in my writing, but in what I read. On Twitter, on Facebook, on the papers, even books! Everything reads stale. Like each person is repeated what someone else said for the millionth time. It's exhausting. And it's boring. Having to say the same things over and over and over again. Having to fight. Having to argue over the same things, make the same points. I find myself picking arguments with people I agree with just for a breath of fresh air (to any of my friends or colleagues I've done this to: my sincerest apologies. I am just bored when it comes to discourse). Even this blogpost feels stale, I think I've written it before (but again, I am a bit lazy about looking it up and linking it, because what's the point? You reading a duplicate? Having a blog that reads like the Guardian articles where any buzzword is linked, even if the link has little to do with the original article).

Don't get me wrong, there are things I want to write about: I want to write about sex and race in biology. But I don't want the fights that come with it. I want to write about sexism (or lack thereof) in science. But I don't want the fights that come with it. I want to write about whether or not it's "normal" to want to own a house and live independently. But I don't want the fights that come with it. I want to write about animal rights and veganism. But I don't want the fights that come with it.

Some may say I'm lazy, or not engaged enough, that I don't care enough. Maybe they're right. Or maybe I've come to the realisation that people are stubborn and don't change and that arguing is only going to lead to bittersweetness, to the realisation that people are stubborn and don't change.

So yeah. I guess this is me saying I don't want to convince people anymore. I don't want to argue. Anyways. If anyone wants to suggest a topic to write about, feel free (not promising I'll do it). I might feel more inclined if I think my opinion actually matters to someone.