Lucky

When I heard the news about Inverdale saying to Andy Murray that he was the first tennis player to win two Olympic golds, and Murray replying ‘Well, I think the Williams sisters have 4 each’ (although Inverdale may have been referring to individual tennis gold, of which the Williams sisters only have one each, having three each for doubles), or something to that effect, I didn’t think “How good of Murray” or “Murray’s such a feminist” (!) or “Inverdale is a sexist pig” (even though it is quite clear from his comments in this case and elsewhere that he is most certainly sexist). My first thought was “How ignorant is this man?”. And then I realised, Inverdale is not ignorant at all, and he was most likely perfectly aware of the Williams’ wins. But I’m actually kind of happy that my first reaction was to think of ignorance and not sexism. Because it points to how lucky I am.

I come from a household where it would be inconceivable not to know about the Williams sisters. I also come from a household where I read Gerald Durrell, sure, and I also read Jane Goodall. Where my favourite Roald Dahl book was Matilda (cos who wouldn’t love a genius little girl who at five years old had read a list of books I still haven’t gotten to at 25?). For a long time Lynne Margulis and Barbara McClintock were my biology heroes (they still are, but others have been added to the list), and I do not remember knowing about Watson and Crick without knowing about Rosalind Franklin. Susan Sontag and Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou and Karen Blixen and Harper Lee were read and discussed and respected (many others were too, these are the ones that come to mind) not instead of, but alongside male writers.

I was never told that there was anything I couldn’t do because I was a girl (except play football, my dad on one occasion said to me I was a girl and therefore couldn’t play football, but by the time he said this it had been established independently that I was an absolute disaster at any sports requiring hand eye coordination, so I never took this to be an observation particularly dependent on my gender), and nothing ever happened to me (in fact, I can almost definitely say that nothing has happened to me yet) to make me even consider that because I am a woman my opportunities are diminished. By this, I don’t mean that discrimination doesn’t exist, and I don’t even mean that I have definitely not been subjected to it, I just mean that I have not experienced it, or if I have, I have not felt it. And for this I consider myself incredibly lucky.

I am lucky in that, as much as possible considering our society, I grew up in a gender neutral environment when it came to achievement. I was good (really good) at science. I was also good at humanities. My parents encouraged me to do science, and if I didn’t know them I might say that they were disappointed I chose biology instead of physics or maths.

I was lucky. I was never told that there was anything I couldn’t do, and if there was something I wanted to learn I was encouraged to (I spent 10 years in music school despite my lack of talent). I was always told that the only important thing was that I be happy, and that if I do something I do it well and I do it right. The only thing I remember clearly being told in terms of job prospects is that I should do what I wanted, but that I should be aware that if I chose a profession that required manual labour, I’d likely be bad at it. I’d probably be better off in some sort of academic pursuit. (This was my mum. She knows me well.)

I’m lucky. I’m lucky that I know about the Williams sisters. I’m lucky that I read female authors as often as I read male authors (and that I grew up with Harry Potter). I’m lucky that I have read so many books with female protagonists (written both by men and women) or with female heroes that I’ve never felt that there was any exclusion of my gender in that sense. I’m also lucky that it never occurred to me that just because a protagonist wasn’t a woman I couldn’t identify with them. I’m lucky that nobody ever told me that in order to look up to someone I had to consider their gender first, especially when it comes to science (cos unfortunately, there are still a lot more men than women who are famous scientists). I am lucky that I was often told about female athletes and that I was also told about female scientists. But most of all, I am lucky that being a woman has, until now, never stopped me from doing anything. Because being a woman is pretty great.

A walking contradiction

More and more, I’m starting to wonder where I fall in the political spectrum.

See, I always considered myself to be a lefty. If I could classify myself I would say I am an anarchist, but then again, I know this is poser bullshit. I haven’t read a line of classic anarchist literature. Therefore, I’m not an anarchist (or so the argument would go, even though my core beliefs are extremely anarchist oriented). I am most certainly not a communist (communists and anarchists have forever been at odds, and having visited a couple of communist and ex-communist countries in my time I could never bring myself to believe in communism). Am I perhaps a socialist? Unfortunately, I am not well-versed enough in socialism to claim that I am, I suspect that I am not radical enough to consider myself a classical socialist, and I definitely do not identify with modern moderate groups that call themselves socialist.

So I try to tackle the question via another route, that of what I believe, and where that fits in best.

So, what do I believe in? And here is where the contradictions start to set in.

I believe in high taxes, and I believe in the government providing free, high quality education and healthcare for all its citizens. On the other hand, I also believe in the state mostly not interfering in its citizens private matters when it comes to health and education.

I believe in equality of opportunity: every kid should have access to a good library and a good school. On the other hand, I also believe that paying for someone to be in school who obviously does not want to study or who is obviously not smart enough to study is a waste of public money. This is, I believe in equality of opportunity, not in eternal limitless opportunities for everyone.

I believe in freedom. I believe in freedom as a core right. I believe in decriminalising many things, amongst them sex work and drugs. I believe in the freedom of each person to believe whatever they want to believe. In fact, I believe in the freedom of people to believe in racist, sexist, xenophobic, ableist, etc. things. Because I believe in your head you should be absolutely free and no one can force me to think differently. On the other hand, I believe discriminatory or violent behaviours should be punished (see? I believe behaviours should be punished, never opinions).

So I fall somewhere in between a lefty (I believe in the state taking care of its members) and… a weird mix between a libertarian and something else, in that I believe people have a right to be complete dicks, and the rest of us as a society have the right to shun them.

Economically, I suspect I am a capitalist. I hate to admit this. In my utopia, I would eliminate inheritance and raise children as the community’s children, etc. etc. etc. but I can see how this would never work in reality. So I end up being a capitalist. Not because I am particularly materialistic (though I probably am compared to many people) or because I believe that rich people are rich solely because they worked hard, but quite simply because, in the same way that I believe that democracy is the best of all flawed systems of ruling I know (at least for large groups of people), I believe that capitalism is the best of all flawed economic systems I know (again, for large groups of people).

So where does this put me? I am a person who believes in capitalism (because it’s not the worst system possible) but who also firmly believes that capitalism is the cause of great inequality. I am a person who believes in equality of opportunity, but who believes deeply in meritocracy. I don’t believe the public should be paying for people who lack the ability or the commitment to stay in school, and I am happily politically incorrect when I say that if someone cannot complete the work and reach the standards required they should not get a degree, no matter what the circumstances. I am a person who is resolutely against the police, because I am scared of anyone who can wield lethal power just because of their job. I am a person who believes in benefits, but who also believes it’s wrong to abuse them. I am a person who believes, deeply, that patriotism is idiotic, that not paying taxes is selfish, that refusing to pay taxes because you don’t believe in the government, or because you believe that others don’t deserve your tax money (whether these others be those on benefits or those from a part of the country different to yours) is quite simply morally wrong.

So where do I fall? Clearly, I fall out of favour with the people on the right. I believe the banks steal from people. I believe in high taxation, I believe in the state providing the means to take care of its citizens, I believe in freedom of speech and thought. I believe in freedom of religion. But I also believe in opt-outs. I believe that state help should be available, but I believe no one should be forced to take it. I believe the state should not be there to protect its citizens without their permission, only to offer protection that they may or may not take. I do not believe in increased security, in ‘health bans’ (such as illegalising drugs or restricting the use of current legal drugs), in telling people how they should live their lives.

I don’t believe that everyone has the right to be rich or live ‘comfortably’ (mainly because the definition of comfort will vary greatly from person to person). I do believe that no one should (especially in rich countries where a gigantic surplus of food gets thrown away annually) go hungry, or go cold if they don’t want to.

So anyway, back to before. I don’t know where I fall in politics anymore. I have come to find that many of the people who define themselves as left-wing nowadays I disagree with in essential ideas. I don’t believe that insults should be made illegal. I don’t believe that I shouldn’t be allowed (legally) to use certain words. I don’t believe that people aren’t responsible (to an extent) for their own safety. I don’t believe in more policing. I don’t believe in more laws. I don’t believe in dumbing things down so they are ‘more accessible’ or in shielding people from foreign or upsetting ideas. I believe in giving people choices, and I believe in people having the option to opt out, of course, but I believe in people having the option to opt in. I believe in not being judged for going to an event, regardless of the event’s connotations, mainly because I believe in learning about anything I’m interested in, even if it’s something I ideologically don’t agree with.

But then again, no more do I agree with people on the right who want to build walls and lower taxes and who make promises they can’t keep, and who promote inequality and selfishness.

So as usual, more and more, I am not uninterested in politics or social justice. I am not apathetic. I am not uninformed. But I am tired, and I am finding it harder and harder to find like-minded people. Especially when I am (or I believe I am) profoundly flexible. I am happy to discuss almost any topic from different sides, because I like debating. I love arguing for the sake of arguing, for the sake of logic. I have trouble dealing with people who are not only steadfast in their ideas (a thing I can admire), but who refuse any discussion, who shut down any opposition with ‘if you disagree I refuse to discuss this with you’. Because while I understand where this sentiment is coming from, it makes it harder for me to be permeable to their views, and it makes it harder for me to believe that those views are reasoned, rather than simply a given belief.