Yesterday something disturbing happened to me. I was walking down Fulham Palace Road at about 11:30 PM when a guy on a bike rode by and shouted something at me. I wasn't really paying attention, so I just ignored him and he seemed to ride on, but he did stare at me for a bit. I went on walking, and then saw that he'd stopped ahead, just before a pedestrian crossing I had to cross.
I passed him and he didn't say or do anything, so I assumed nothing was going on, but soon enough he pulled up next to me and asked me whether I was single. I replied that I wasn't. Up to this point, the exchange was unwelcome and uninvited, but if it had stopped there I may have just forgotten about it (even though I don't condone it: approaching someone on the street, especially someone physically smaller, without an excuse me, and with an obviously "sexual" object in mind, is intimidating and should not be permitted). However he went on.
"You look pissed off, something happen tonight?"
I didn't reply to this, kept walking, and something must have changed in my expression because he then said:
"Ah, a smile. So you're really not single?"
"No"
"Why are you walking alone then?"
Maybe I should have just ignored him. Kept on walking without saying anything, or stopped at the bus stop so he'd leave me alone. But I couldn't do it.
"So wait, you're saying if I'm not single I can't walk on the street on my own?"
"Yeah, you need a strong man next to you to protect you. Where is this guy? Why isn't he with you if you ain't single?"
"Wait, so you're saying, if I'm single I can walk down the street on my own, but if I'm with someone, I can't?"
"Yeah, yeah, you need a strong man to protect you!"
"Protect me from what? I should be completely safe walking down the street."
"No, you need a man to protect you"
"Look, that's just not true, and it's wrong. I'm allowed to walk down the street safely on my own. I don't need anyone to protect me, and it's not whoever I'm with's job to protect me."
"So you're saying I'm talking bullshit?"
"No, I said what you said is not true and it's wrong."
"That's the same as saying I'm talking bullshit"
At this point I didn't answer. He was right after all, I was saying he was talking bullshit. We continued for a few seconds, and then he tried another tack.
"Where are you going?"
"A friend's place, not that it's any of your business"
(Don't ask me why I provided this information, it was unnecessary and could be regarded as conversational. I should have just ignored him, but I can't always act how I should. I was still reeling from the fact that he'd told me that because I wasn't single I couldn't walk down the street on my own).
"So, you going out tonight?"
"That's none of your business".
"Where do you live?"
"That's none of your business"
Silence for 10 seconds or so.
"So you live close by?"
"That's none of your business"
"Well, you must live close by, you're walking home"
"No, I said I'm walking to a friend's place, I could've just come from the station"
"Yeah, cos you're going home. If you didn't live close by you would have just taken the bus"
At this point, I felt like I'd had enough.
"Look, I'm not interested. I don't want to talk, so have a good night, OK?"
"Why are you being like that?"
No reply from me. At this point I'm turning into the road I was going to, a much less concurred road, and he follows me.
"Ah, you're turning here, yeah this is the way I'm going too"
"Hey, look, you're following me, it's not nice, it's creepy, please stop"
"Why are you being so aggressive?"
I stop on my tracks.
"I'm not being aggressive. I'm telling you I'm not interested, I don't want to talk, to leave me alone, and you're following me around. What you are doing is intimidating and creepy."
"But I'm just going down this road. It's on my way, you're the one being a bitch about it, I haven't done anything"
At this point I refused to reply anymore. He followed me until I got to my friend's place asking why I was being so rude/mean/aggressive, and then when I turned inside he said something along the lines of, "Oh, so you're here eh? I think you need to be a bit less aggressive tonight, with your friends."
I walked into the house and he left. I can't say I was extremely scared for any of the situation, after all, I had a bag with four bottles of beer which I could have hit him with if he'd tried anything, but that's not the issue. The issue isn't where this guy got the idea that if a girl is single she can't walk down the street on her own (though it could well be), or that he can follow someone around after they've told him they feel uncomfortable and to please stop (though again, that could perfectly well be the issue. Tip: it's one thing to approach someone extremely politely on the street and ask them if they would mind talking, and respecting whatever answer they give you, it's another to open with a personal question and to follow them. This is wrong). The issue here is that I went into the house, sat down with my friends and told them what had just happened. I came off a bit nervous about the incident, but I told it in a comedic fashion. As though what had just happened was funny. It wasn't funny. Not for one second. I felt intimidated. I didn't feel in actual physical danger, but I did think of ways to defend myself in case something happened. And I felt diminished, and disrespected. I clearly stated that I wasn't interested, I told him he was following me and that I didn't like it, and I told him that what he was doing was wrong. And he didn't stop. It was degrading, and scary, and not funny at all. But I walked into the house, saw my friends, and pretty much laughed the incident off.
The reason this is an issue is because recently I told another friend of mine the story of how when I was going for a run in Santa Fe, at one point a man came running behind me and grabbed my ass. I hadn't told anyone before, and I'd sort of written off the incident as one crazy man. I told this friend the story as an example of sexism. She looked at me fixedly and said:
"Yeah, but that's not just sexism. It's assault."
She was right.
I was incapable of recognizing that what had happened to me went somewhat beyond discrimination due to my sex, and went into the realm of consent. This man had touched me without my permission, without any sort of invitation. How did I not recognize this? How did I just write it off?
The fact is, I am sexist. And I'm trying not to be. The fact that I was able to pretty much laugh these incidents off gives me insight into how ingrained this sexism is. If I laugh it off, the idea it gives to other people is that these things are, maybe not "alright", but definitely, "not that big a deal". And they are a big deal. No one should ever be touched against their will. No one should ever feel intimidated when walking down the street.
Because here's the thing: telling someone that they can't walk down the street on their own, that they should be accompanied by someone who will protect them, is akin to threatening that something will happen if they're not. But more than that, it is victim blaming. It's saying that if a person who isn't single walks down the street on their own, they're setting themselves up for trouble. This is victim blaming. Because that morning in New Mexico I just wanted to go for a run, that was all that was on my mind, and this man took that away from me.
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