I'm sick

I started this post about a week ago, when I wasn't feeling very happy, and now I'm happy, but I'm not feeling very well, which gave me the perfect name for the post. At the moment, I'm sitting on the comfiest sofa in the house, with my duvet all around me, some takeout, and my computer. I've been watching House episodes (that have somehow slipped into my subconscious, this morning I had a dream featuring Taub), looking at insurance prices for cars and looking at places to move into next year.

Ah. Next year. Such a mythical time. My degree will be over, and possibly also my time in London. And you know what? I'm scared. Really, properly scared.


Here goes. As I said, now that I am ill (and after a really nice weekend, which helped immensely) and waiting for test results (and scared to death, but that's another story) I'm feeling a lot better than I was last week, when I was healthy and had little to worry about, which makes total sense. Last week, I was really sad, stressed out and extremely homesick. This is significant because I hadn't been homesick, properly homesick, in about two years. Last week I wanted my mum, my dad and my dog, and if it weren't for the fact that my mum and dad are in India and my dog has been adopted for the time being, I would have probably booked myself a flight to Spain.

The whole thing got me thinking quite seriously about next year, and the Future. And these are a few ideas I've come up with. I'd very much appreciate any comments or views (though I will probably ignore them and do whatever I want because I think no one else has ever gone through what I'm going through because I'm human).

Firstly, about next year. There are several things that I could do next year:

-PhD in Cambridge (am currently on the reserve list, if enough people don't want their place I'll get one, not getting my hopes up, but hey, it's still a possibility)

-PhD in UCL (haven't applied yet, but there are a couple of projects that really interest me, although I don't know what the funding is like)

-Masters degree in London (either Imperial or UCL) and apply for PhDs again next year (this would open up the possibility of doing a PhD in Europe which I'm not currently considering because it's difficult to do without a Masters degree)

-Find a job here in London

-Go back home (apply for either jobs or PhD back home)
 
From this you can gather that most options involve staying in the UK. In fact, three out of five of these options would imply staying in London. So here's the confession: I don't want to move away from London. The worst thing is, it's not because of the city (or not just because of the city).

I've been living here for three years and four months now. London is as much home as anywhere other than home could ever be. But part of the reason that's true is that my friends are here. I'm terrified that if I move away I'll lose them. I know it's a ridiculous fear, we grow closer to some people, further away from others, losing people is part of how life works, and for most of us, the people we are friends with now are not the people who we'll be friends with in ten years. But what the hell. I like the friends I have now. I don't want to change them.

Of course, many of my friends will be moving away from London next year (after all, a lot of them who are still here are finishing their degrees), but I feel like if we keep seeing each other at all, they'll be coming down here. There's the incentive of it being London. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally visit friends who are in other places, but it's mostly for them, not for where they are. Coming to London is a reason in itself, and once I move out of here, I'll miss out on seeing my friends whenever they're down. But then, is it worth me staying in the UK if I have to restart and make friends all over again?

Because here's the thing. When I moved here, the idea wasn't to stay. I would do my degree here, and then I'd go back home. I'd go back to Spain, find a job, live my life there. I didn't think of the fact that I'd have spent three years here and none at home. That home friends wouldn't be as friends any more, and that I'd have friends here too. I never thought I'd want to stay. But the fact is, I want to stay the way things are now. Other than my friends, there's nothing keeping me here. My family's back in Spain. Pretty much all of it. If I go back, I may not have anything else, but I'll have my family. And the fact is, I miss them. I miss my parents, and my cousins, and my aunts and uncles. And I miss my dog. So I'm tempted to move back. Because at least, if I had to restart, I'd have them.

In summary, I don't know what to do. Staying in London seems like a viable solution, but the fact is a lot of people I know in London now will have left next year. Leaving London for Cambridge seems like a viable solution, but I won't see my friends as much as if I stayed in London (most probably) and I hate that. I am not a person who loves getting thrown into new situations and making new friends. Going back home feels stupid, but safe. I'd be home. Home things are easier. And it's sunny. And I could live with my dog.

So. Yeah. As you must have surmised, I'm terrified. I'll get over it. No matter what I do, it'll happen, and I'll have to deal with it. So there. Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

H