On 50 Shades of Grey

 So... I thought I'd ignore the "phenomenom". I thought this week I would review the last couple of books I've read (and to anyone interested: in the twentieth century, South American literature is where it's at, though even that is a massive generalisation, but moving on) and talk about something happy and non-polemic for a change. But here I am. Discussing 50 Shades of Grey.

First of all, I should make it clear I haven't actually read the book directly (though I have read the absolutely best critique of it in the Pervocracy, here's the index for her posts on it, absolutely fantastic read) or watched the film, so I am not in the best position to make a proper in depth critique of it (again, Cliff's reading of it in the Pervocracy does that fantastically), but I do want to make something clear.

Now, what I want to make clear has been said before, but I fear that with a lot of articles being written about how 50 Shades of Grey is abusive it has been lost in the message, though some authors have attempted to remind readers. Anyway, here goes: 50 Shades of Grey is not an example of a (normal/good) BDSM relationship.

First of all, let me start with a quick definition of BDSM before I get into why 50 Shades of Grey isn't BDSM. BDSM stands for the following: Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Not everyone who practices BDSM practices all of BDSM (in terms of, some people like the bondage part of it but not the sadomasochism part of it, some people really like dominance and submission but aren't really into tying each other up or pain), although I personally find that most people who are into BDSM are into it because of the D/s (dominance/submission) dynamics in it. I don't want to get into what is or isn't BDSM because for different people it's very different things (for example, some people practice total submission to their partner, to the point where their partner makes all their choices as to food, dress, exercise, etc., whereas some people could never do this but enjoy being dominated at certain times, typically during sex).

Now, why isn't 50 Shades of Grey BDSM? A lot of the reasons expounded in articles are mixed and I don't necessarily agree with them. For example, a lot of people seemed shocked at Christian controlling Ana's food. This is not as unusual as one might think. Some people, in fact, prefer to have someone else control their food intake and in this way they can give up the anxiety that comes with, for example, eating healthily. This is what we do when we diet. Doing it in a BDSM relationship is absolutely fine and acceptable, it is a form of Dominance/submission. But it has to be agreed upon and consensual. And here lies the problem with 50 Shades of Grey, and with BDSM (mis)understanding.

BDSM is, for a great part of the people who practice it, about consent. It is about the people involved getting what they want and/or need in a way that is safe for them. I don't think many people would engage in any sort of BDSM relationship with someone they didn't trust. And for the most part, Ana does not trust Christian, but with much more grave consequences, Christian does not trust Ana at all.

So, let's get a few things clear. In 50 Shades of Grey, the book, Christian stalks Ana, breaks into her house and rapes her. Now, if any of these of these things had been consensual, if she had rape fantasies and wanted to act them out and they had talked about it and agreed it was something they both wanted to do, if she enjoyed being controlled, this would be sort of fine with me (perhaps not personally, because I find forced sex triggering; but I would agree that it was her choice to partake in a relationship in a way she wanted to). The problem is, very little in 50 Shades of Grey is consensual. For the most part, Christian coerces Ana, scares her, forces her to do things against her will and puts her in positions where she can't escape him. More than that: very few interactions in the book (maybe in the movie this was done better?) are what you'd expect from a couple in love. They are mostly him saying he wants something, her saying no, him getting angry and her giving in in a mixture of fear and horniness.

Now, I'm up for people reading whatever they want and having whatever fantasies they want. But please don't call having a person physically and psychologically hurt you against your will BDSM. It's not what BDSM is.

(Final note: BDSM communities, like any other community, have dangerous people. People who do want to hurt and take advantage of others. However, like in most other communities, these people are the exception and are often excluded after it is known that they are dangerous and new people tend to be warned about them.)