Final Few Weeks

The 6th of June I'll be handing in my final year project thesis or report or whatever you want to call it. The week after that, I'll have my project viva. And after that most likely I'll be free. Done. My degree will be finished. No more exams, no more assignments. Done. And it scares the hell out of me.

I've not been as diligent as I could have been during my project work, and that scares me. I am really scared that I won't be able to pull off a good enough report, that I won't be able to get a good enough grade to either pull the rest of my grades up, or in the very least, not pull them down. I am petrified, and as usual, my reaction to fear is not working harder or attempting to do my best, but hiding. I hide when I'm scared. I do less, I work less, I try less, because what's the point? The scariest part is that I can't listen to my own advice. If it were a friend telling me this I would tell them to calm down, get a schedule, stick to it, and work through it. It's only a few more weeks after all. But it's myself and I can't seem to do it.

Instead, I read. I go out. I write. I write a lot. I look at the internet and at what I will hopefully be doing next year if I don't fuck up monumenatlly in the last minute. And when I think about it I stress out and I'm scared. I don't like it. I had thought that by now I had learnt to do things right, to work through things, but apparently I haven't. Apparently, I'm still better at exams than I am at coursework, apparently, I'm still better at telling other people to work hard and to organise their time than I am at doing it myself. I'm not disciplined, I'm just scared.

Who cares anyway? I've got A Song of Ice and Fire to read and shows to watch, friends to hang out with and generally time. A lot of it. Especially if I do no work. (Or this is what I tell myself when I think about the worst case scenario.) But this isn't what I want, is it? No. I hope I can get over it and just work. That's what I need. To get over it and work.

Wish me luck.