The crush

Note: this is something I wrote in my phone a few weeks ago. It makes me smile every time I read it, so I thought I'd share.


I've recently come to the conclusion that I have a crush on a boy. It is strange to me because it's not like my regular crushes: usually I become crazy, obsessive and extremely annoying, and I can't stop thinking about it. This time the crush is not demanding, it's not frustrating, I'm not depressed that I'm not with the boy, nor am I extremely happy in his company. I wouldn't know how to explain what I'm feeling, except that it feels good. The only thing that is familiar about this crush is that I want to be near him, touch him.

I like this new version of me having a crash. It's less exhausting than my usual fare of falling for a guy and then making a complete fool of myself in front of him (not gonna say this hasn't happened, but it's been completely separate from the fact that I have a crush).

I don't know if he knows. I suspect he does, but I hope he doesn't. If he does, then he hasn't said anything, and that means he doesn't like me back... I don't really care. I don't need to be liked back for once. That doesn't mean I'll tell him, god no, too embarrassing. I would say too risky, but I'd be lying to myself. After all where's the risk? I guess I'm one of those people who is too scared of rejection to have a relationship. I'm slowly coming to terms with that, that I may never have a partner. If I think about it too hard it hurts, so I try not to think about it too hard.

Anyway, all I wanted to say is I have a crush on a boy. And I'm OK.