Faking it

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've never had a "relationship" with a guy, a "boyfriend", but the truth is, I've never felt used for a narrative. Some girls with boyfriends will say "well, I haven't either!", and maybe they're right, I don't know. All I know is I haven't. All this comes about because of Laurie Penny's post. Apparently she's been a character in guys' lives before, a supporting actress. I kind of envy her. I've never been liked by a guy like that, for being mysterious, or weird, or cool. I've never had that luxury. She complains about it, saying something along the lines of "it's tough being a woman, showing a guy that you're not that mysterious dream pixie girl". Well, fuck you. At least you had that. I've never had a guy be fascinated by me. It's fine, I'm OK with it, but it's never happened. All the guys I know know what to expect, they know who I am. Maybe I grew up to fast? I don't think so. It's not like I'm not naïve and stupid, and I refuse to accept that other girls are more so than me. I think falling for someone who fascinates you, but then turns out to be different than what you imagined is a fact of life. It can't be helped. And it doesn't happen just to guys.

In her article, Laurie Penny writes of geeky, bookish guys with alternative tastes in music, blah blah blah. This might describe a type, sure, but to me, it's just the same exercise as describing "manic pixie dream girls" (excellent name for a band, by the way). It's also an exercise of narrative. I suspect it is important in growing up and falling in love to acknowledge that we all create narratives about people, even the ones we're closest to. I'm not sure that can be prevented.

Another thing Penny talks about is being a writer and being a woman. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I love it. It's the one thing that I don't want to give up, except perhaps reading. And yes, writing demands time, it demands attention. Writing is the love of your life. But don't bullshit. I love writing, I do, I wouldn't give it up, but I love my friends more. Giving up writing would mean living a horrible, boring, dry, sad life but I would give it up for pretty much anyone I know. For one thing, people (lives) are worth more than words. For another, without people I would have nothing to write about. People talk to me, they make me see the world, they make me feel things, they make me happy or sad, they touch me, people are the only way I can feel that anything is important. I love writing, but I would never put it above that. 

Penny is 26. I am only 22, I don't have a clue what it is to be 26, and I can't relate. Maybe I'll read this post in four years' time and think "how the hell did I ever think that?" and be embarrassed. But what I think right now is this: I am a woman. I might lie about what I've done, but I refuse to lie about who I am. If someone asks I'll tell them I write, and if they are intimidated by it, then maybe they have a problem. I don't find it hard to say that I write. 

I guess what I'm saying is this: writing is the love of my life. I know I will sacrifice other things for its sake. And for this reason I want people to know. If you're embarrassed of who you love, of what you love, you're being a bit of a child, aren't you?