Yesterday I had a tough conversation. It made me realize (amongst other things) that I don't like myself very much a lot of the time. That I'm sort of scared of what people think of me, and that I don't like being told my flaws. I guess this is true for everyone? I certainly hope I'm not the only one.
I often promise myself change. This is, I tell myself that I will change something in my behaviour, in my life, whatever. It never (almost never) works. Maybe it's a lack of will, actually, probably it's a lack of will. I am scared of describing myself now. Who am I really? I know this much: I am 22 years old, I am Spanish, I am a girl. I study Biochemistry at Imperial College London. I currently have a job working at the NIMR, in James Briscoe's lab. I can tell you the name of my parents, and I can tell you the names of the people I consider to be my friends. I can tell you when my birthday is, that I like reading and writing, that I am (and I say this reluctantly, see previous posts) a project of a feminist. I can say I enjoy (no, I love) traveling. And that's it. Because when it comes to the actual "who am I" question, dealing with my personality, my capabilities, who I am, my opinion of myself changes every day.
I'm someone who doesn't like to be told their flaws (I think I've said this before). I'm someone who is selfish, and small minded, and not very tolerant. I am someone who really likes to argue. I am someone who lives in mortal fear that my friends don't want to be my friends: in other words, I don't really get why people ever want to hang out with me, and most of the time I feel like they're doing me a favour. I'm a bad person. I am annoying, and bitchy, and childish.
That last paragraph is how I feel today. It's how I feel about 50% of the time. At other times I feel like I'm a good person, like I'm generous, like I help out. Not today. Today I don't really understand why people bother with me, and I feel like burning bridges with most people because I feel like a burden.
I've said before that I write because it's therapeutic. I can't explain to what level this is true. It seems to clear my mind. When I'm angry or sad, writing about it calms me down, it relaxes me, I get distanced from the feelings. It helps me see that I'm freaking out, that I'm being stupid, that I'm not being reasonable. Not that this is always good. Sometimes being emotional has its pros as well, I guess.
For a long time I thought I was strong. I'm not. I need people a lot more than they need me, and this makes me feel guilty, and it makes me feel bad.
Suffice it to say, I'm not in a very good mood today. I keep going over certain things, and it's freaking me out. So the only thing left to say is: sorry. If you're reading this, and I'm bringing you down, I'm sorry. I needed to vent. You don't deserve being brought down. Hopefully next time you visit I'll be in a better mood, ready to write my thoughts about a real issue, about something a little more important and less self-centered. But for now, for today, this is what I needed. Thanks for reading.
H.
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