Dark and darker

Today I am in a bad mood. Nothing to worry about, it's bad with a good background, these past three or four weeks I've been feeling happier than I had since December.

The combination of a terrible headache, my data not being happy and a small argument have led to me being listless. I'm sitting around the office, trying to stop myself from going downstairs to buy multiple Kit Kats and eating them all in one go.

I've been doing some reading, but I fear I find no inspiration on the web today. I tried to turn to music, but it seems I'm not in the mood, songs that usually make me smile are pissing me off with their lyrics.

I'm in a sort of nowhere land at the moment. I'm almost done with experiments, but not quite writing yet. I'm almost ready to leave for the US, but it's not quite time yet. I'm trying to find a new place, but haven't quite got one. I'm starting my last year of Uni, but that won't happen for a couple of months yet. Alas, it seems that summer is still a time of transition, even when I have a job that requires me to stay in one place.

London has been gorgeous for the past couple of weeks. The parks are a favourite haunt of mine now, and I'm visiting as many as I can. Primrose Hill I find particularly beautiful and soothing, and I can see all of the city from there.

Central London is full of tourists, like Camden, Portobello and all the known places. Mill Hill is deserted on the other hand, school has finished and not nearly as many children can be seen in the morning. It feels strange, and almost haunted, but at the same time the view from my office window has never been more beautiful. The hills and the trees and the cows, and now the sun, and the blue skies make me feel like I'm in some idyllic setting.

The Thames Path is also at its best. I especially like it in the evenings, when the pubs are full, and dogs are walked, and children are playing around, but also in the mornings, when it's full of runners and commuters, and cyclers.

The good weather changes London, and it brings out the best in Londoners. They want to be outside and enjoy the sun, I've never lived in a place where the sun was so worshipped.

Yes, the last few weeks have been good to London, and good to me. I'm starting to suspect that for my own good I should move back south. Sometimes I wish I could go back home. Then I think about it and conclude that it's unrealistic.

I'm feeling restless. There's something I want to do, but I don't know exactly what. It involves staying up late at night talking close to a fire, and it involves meeting new people, and traveling. It involves books, and discussions, and arguments. I think maybe it's time for me to leave here. But how can it be time for anyone to leave London?

I distract myself with my day to day chores: washing clothes, making food, shopping... All those things that distract me from doing what I need to do, what I want to do, what makes me happy. I used to know what it was, now it seems more and more that happiness is within my grasp, but completely out of my control.

I fear that I don't even know what I want anymore. But then again, who does? Does it matter? I tend to be wary of people who have a very clear idea of what they want.